my entry in the notebook in our cabin at world's end
Another year, following tradition. Another year enjoying the close company of dear family. Coming here has been a part of my life; every year, just one of the events that simply is, no questions asked. But despite the regularity of it in my life, every year I am stuck anew with the awesome realization that I am a small speck in all of God’s marvelous creation. Yet such a feeling is calming because if all the world is in His control, despite the bears wandering around our cabins, the violent thunderstorm which was awesome but scary with the threat of a tornado, and health issues hanging over our heads, I will be just fine.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Your memory still lingers
There are places I can’t go
You may no longer haunt me
With every step I take
But you’re there all the same
No one could take you place
Because no one I know
That lies like you
Will ever get that close to me again
I’ve learned my lesson
Thanks for the memories
But so much more
Thanks for leaving.
I found my new beginning.
There are places I can’t go
You may no longer haunt me
With every step I take
But you’re there all the same
No one could take you place
Because no one I know
That lies like you
Will ever get that close to me again
I’ve learned my lesson
Thanks for the memories
But so much more
Thanks for leaving.
I found my new beginning.
inspiration
Inspiration like lightning strikes.
Thunder pounds your soul.
Rain masks the falling tears,
Laugh until you cry again.
Empty of all aspirations,
Staring down your fears.
Simply out of desperation,
Watching with a sinking heart,
The dust that once blew so free.
Dampened down to mud,
Clinging to your feet,
Weighing down your steps.
Yet you soar,
Opposite of dust.
Each new roll,
And each new strike,
A beat of your newfound heart.
A flap of your newfound wings.
A push to move
Past the clouds
On to meet the sun.
Find what you seek.
Thunder pounds your soul.
Rain masks the falling tears,
Laugh until you cry again.
Empty of all aspirations,
Staring down your fears.
Simply out of desperation,
Watching with a sinking heart,
The dust that once blew so free.
Dampened down to mud,
Clinging to your feet,
Weighing down your steps.
Yet you soar,
Opposite of dust.
Each new roll,
And each new strike,
A beat of your newfound heart.
A flap of your newfound wings.
A push to move
Past the clouds
On to meet the sun.
Find what you seek.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Growing Pains
When I was younger, about 7 and then again at about 11, I had major growth spurts. They happened mostly in my legs and the worst pain would come in the middle of the night. I would wake up screaming and crying. My daddy would come downstairs and carry me up to my parents’ room. After rubbing some kind of cream onto my legs to help the aching, they would let me sleep between them for the rest of the night. Such a place of security, tucked in safe and sound between Mommy and Daddy. While the growing pains were a very physical problem, there was an emotional piece of me tied to them. In taking care of the physical, my dad also took care of the emotional: the need for love and security.
I have never known my father as a truly healthy man. He has always had some medical issue or other. Seeing the strongest, most important man in your life, trying to smile through the pain and the tubes and wires, takes a little piece of your heart every single time. I used to wish that he would never end up there again. Now I just wish for the pain to stop. For him. For my family. I wish for the strength to let him go when the time comes. Cancer does not care what my hopes and dreams are.
I remember dreaming once when my daddy was really sick in the hospital that I was trying to follow him upstairs but I wasn’t allowed to go. Suddenly it was clear he was dying, leaving me behind. More than anything I wanted to go with him.
But now I see that my new wishes include what I know he wishes for me and will continue to wish even when he is no longer here to tell me. I have to keep living. I dream of living a life that he would be proud of, that he is a part of because I carry all that he has ever taught me.
Live. Love. Remember.
Some growing pains are beyond the care of humans.
I have never known my father as a truly healthy man. He has always had some medical issue or other. Seeing the strongest, most important man in your life, trying to smile through the pain and the tubes and wires, takes a little piece of your heart every single time. I used to wish that he would never end up there again. Now I just wish for the pain to stop. For him. For my family. I wish for the strength to let him go when the time comes. Cancer does not care what my hopes and dreams are.
I remember dreaming once when my daddy was really sick in the hospital that I was trying to follow him upstairs but I wasn’t allowed to go. Suddenly it was clear he was dying, leaving me behind. More than anything I wanted to go with him.
But now I see that my new wishes include what I know he wishes for me and will continue to wish even when he is no longer here to tell me. I have to keep living. I dream of living a life that he would be proud of, that he is a part of because I carry all that he has ever taught me.
Live. Love. Remember.
Some growing pains are beyond the care of humans.
not really done...but "had" to get something up here...
Turmoil. Waves rolling through the ocean. Rushing, pushing, shoving. It cares not for your sanity. Lose your footing, sense of balance. You want to look, stay and watch. You can’t quite bring yourself to do so. You want to turn, run away, forget it all. But it’s there all the same, inescapable. Stay. Run. Stay. Run. Go back to being a little child, crawl up in his lap again. life throws the curveballs, shakes up the game. Not a team player, an unfair opponent. Take the accidents, the incidents, the moments of pain; take the blows. Take a deep breath, get over it. Happens all the time; everyone has low points, bad times. But to deal with it twenty-four seven, day in, day out. see the decline. Watch the fall. Happening in slow motion, no stopping it now. It’s beyond all control…(incomplete)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
updateee
once again, i've been reminded by my friendly neighborhood blog tracker that this has not be updated in quite some time. for this i must apologize and beg everyone's forgiveness.
life is busy...life is crazy...life is life.
i have found in the past couple months that my faith in God's will and love for me and my ability to trust in Him has been quite lacking. quite lacking as in barely existing. its a long, weary road back to where i need and want to be. i know the steps that i should take. i know what needs to be done. but im stubbornly fighting against them because silly little me thinks that i may hold some sort of sway over this life of mine. by holding out and not trusting Him, i can make things go my way, at least for a little while. trusting leads to testing of that trust. and i do not like to think of what that test may be.
this past weekend i went on a retreat with katie's church. i went last year and had a blast and was excited for this year. but mostly for time spent messing around with katie. the retreat is geared towards the middle school crowd and us high and mighty senior high-ers go as junior leaders. i didnt really know it until i got a nice slap in the face, but i was going expecting to not get anything out of it at all. so when the speaker, Tiger, started talking about his heart problem and how he hadnt planned on having it and the effects it has on his life, it was like a slap in the face for me. it was God saying, PAY ATTENTION! for here was my very struggle. giving to God the things in life we cannot handle ourselves. things out of our control. things that He has only put in our lives to draw us near to His heart. Tiger's main point is that life is not fair. no matter how HOLY or GOOD we are, bad things can still happen to us. his illustration included the two men who built their houses: the wise one on the rock whose house withstood the storm; the foolish one on the sand whose house tumbled down in the storm. his point? the STORM. just because we claim Christ as our own and act on that does not spare us from the trials of life. that is not what sets us apart. if it was, i believe the Christain faith would have a lot more fans. what sets us apart is how we respond to the storms that beat on our houses. so here i was, crying, although not really because i rarely if ever cry in front of real people...crying out. and i found i was railing against God, beating Him on the chest...and after a while, there was a sense of calming, of peace. because in that moment, i had allowed myself to be hugged by my Father.
later that night, katie and i were in charge of the "family time" which is a little devotional type thing with the whole youth group right before bed. we somehow ended up being the only ones, when usually there are at least five people up there. but we had at it all right! there is a lesson plan that we were given, asking questions about good and bad points of their day and then one, rather generic question about taking their faith out of this weekend and putting it into viewable practice in the real world. now the poor dear children were looking rather bored. and i admit, it was boring. now the reader must note that katie and i are alike in many ways, one of them being our inability or dislike of opening up to people. for me at least, it takes someone i really trust and who loves me enough to know when to push me and when to just wait for me to come to them. with that in mind...katie starts talking about how the previous week had been very hard for her and opening up about her strubbles and what not. but that's for her to tell...after she was finished, i was kind of in awe because, even though i'd heard it before, i had no idea why she would say that to all of these kids who barely know her. (that group is not as close knit as ours...there were some kids that some of the leaders werent even sure belonged to us). so she finished rambling and there was a moment of silence. and then someone started talking. talking about trusting God and making it a daily choice and some other stuff...after awhile, it became clear to me that i must have an evil twin in the world after all, for it was my voice. and there stood my evil twin, right in front of me, pouring out her heart to these kids and leaders that she barely knew, saying things she'd never before uttered in the hearing of another human being.
im not sure why i, for i am the evil twin, did such a thing that night. maybe i was too tired, too stressed to hold back. maybe i scared those little kids. maybe the leaders started worrying, wondering if it was alright to leave me unattended with any sharp objects or long items of clothing. and maybe what i accidentally let out had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about before, but who knows. because i certainly have no idea what all i said. but inside i felt a little lighter. and i hope that my slightly erratic ramblings had some impact, that God meant for me to spill a bit of myself on the floor (what a mess!), not only for my sake.
another thing from this past weekend...a possibility that will be life changing. i am seriously considering applying to be a part of one of the captive free teams after graduating high school. captive free is a smaller part of youth encounter. captive free is a four person (usually) band that travels together for a year, doing programs at schools, churches, and small retreats like the one we were on. it is an august to august committment. they break the country down into 5 sections, making 5 different bands. im pretty sure placement is random, so i could end up anywhere in the country. it would obviously take away a year from college and i would have to raise the funds necessary. its basically looked at as short-term missionary work. i can apply as early as september of my senior year (coming up!) and i would know before the new year whether or not i have been placed. that would mean that i could have a few back up plans for college if im not picked. i would appreciate prayers and any advice, if applicable =]
check it out if you'd like --> http://www.youthencounter.org/Default.aspx?tabid=36
i hope this has been sufficent blog-age updating for my friendly neighborhood blog tracker...
life is busy...life is crazy...life is life.
i have found in the past couple months that my faith in God's will and love for me and my ability to trust in Him has been quite lacking. quite lacking as in barely existing. its a long, weary road back to where i need and want to be. i know the steps that i should take. i know what needs to be done. but im stubbornly fighting against them because silly little me thinks that i may hold some sort of sway over this life of mine. by holding out and not trusting Him, i can make things go my way, at least for a little while. trusting leads to testing of that trust. and i do not like to think of what that test may be.
this past weekend i went on a retreat with katie's church. i went last year and had a blast and was excited for this year. but mostly for time spent messing around with katie. the retreat is geared towards the middle school crowd and us high and mighty senior high-ers go as junior leaders. i didnt really know it until i got a nice slap in the face, but i was going expecting to not get anything out of it at all. so when the speaker, Tiger, started talking about his heart problem and how he hadnt planned on having it and the effects it has on his life, it was like a slap in the face for me. it was God saying, PAY ATTENTION! for here was my very struggle. giving to God the things in life we cannot handle ourselves. things out of our control. things that He has only put in our lives to draw us near to His heart. Tiger's main point is that life is not fair. no matter how HOLY or GOOD we are, bad things can still happen to us. his illustration included the two men who built their houses: the wise one on the rock whose house withstood the storm; the foolish one on the sand whose house tumbled down in the storm. his point? the STORM. just because we claim Christ as our own and act on that does not spare us from the trials of life. that is not what sets us apart. if it was, i believe the Christain faith would have a lot more fans. what sets us apart is how we respond to the storms that beat on our houses. so here i was, crying, although not really because i rarely if ever cry in front of real people...crying out. and i found i was railing against God, beating Him on the chest...and after a while, there was a sense of calming, of peace. because in that moment, i had allowed myself to be hugged by my Father.
later that night, katie and i were in charge of the "family time" which is a little devotional type thing with the whole youth group right before bed. we somehow ended up being the only ones, when usually there are at least five people up there. but we had at it all right! there is a lesson plan that we were given, asking questions about good and bad points of their day and then one, rather generic question about taking their faith out of this weekend and putting it into viewable practice in the real world. now the poor dear children were looking rather bored. and i admit, it was boring. now the reader must note that katie and i are alike in many ways, one of them being our inability or dislike of opening up to people. for me at least, it takes someone i really trust and who loves me enough to know when to push me and when to just wait for me to come to them. with that in mind...katie starts talking about how the previous week had been very hard for her and opening up about her strubbles and what not. but that's for her to tell...after she was finished, i was kind of in awe because, even though i'd heard it before, i had no idea why she would say that to all of these kids who barely know her. (that group is not as close knit as ours...there were some kids that some of the leaders werent even sure belonged to us). so she finished rambling and there was a moment of silence. and then someone started talking. talking about trusting God and making it a daily choice and some other stuff...after awhile, it became clear to me that i must have an evil twin in the world after all, for it was my voice. and there stood my evil twin, right in front of me, pouring out her heart to these kids and leaders that she barely knew, saying things she'd never before uttered in the hearing of another human being.
im not sure why i, for i am the evil twin, did such a thing that night. maybe i was too tired, too stressed to hold back. maybe i scared those little kids. maybe the leaders started worrying, wondering if it was alright to leave me unattended with any sharp objects or long items of clothing. and maybe what i accidentally let out had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about before, but who knows. because i certainly have no idea what all i said. but inside i felt a little lighter. and i hope that my slightly erratic ramblings had some impact, that God meant for me to spill a bit of myself on the floor (what a mess!), not only for my sake.
another thing from this past weekend...a possibility that will be life changing. i am seriously considering applying to be a part of one of the captive free teams after graduating high school. captive free is a smaller part of youth encounter. captive free is a four person (usually) band that travels together for a year, doing programs at schools, churches, and small retreats like the one we were on. it is an august to august committment. they break the country down into 5 sections, making 5 different bands. im pretty sure placement is random, so i could end up anywhere in the country. it would obviously take away a year from college and i would have to raise the funds necessary. its basically looked at as short-term missionary work. i can apply as early as september of my senior year (coming up!) and i would know before the new year whether or not i have been placed. that would mean that i could have a few back up plans for college if im not picked. i would appreciate prayers and any advice, if applicable =]
check it out if you'd like --> http://www.youthencounter.org/Default.aspx?tabid=36
i hope this has been sufficent blog-age updating for my friendly neighborhood blog tracker...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
change
Why do we as humans think that we are strong, invincible? If not physically, then mentally? We assume that we can get through anything, usually with little or no help from others. So when something as terrible and destructive as cancer enters our lives through someone we hold very dear, our world is turned upside down. We can do nothing to fight this enemy. We can not win over it physically. We can not beat it mentally. We are stuck. We tend to look at all big events, maybe even little things in a different light. The this-may-be-the-last feel. The birthdays, vacations, traditions, laughs. We think ahead to future events, weddings, families. We already see the hole they will leave. And it can change you. It sobers you down, shakes you up.
But maybe we should all just slow down and look at our lives that way. Every day is a gift, not a given. Whether we have cancer or a hangnail. Be grateful for all the gifts that God gives you, in the time that He has given them to you.
So maybe I'm not also going to be that happy-go-lucky, ya-can't-bring-me-down-for-anything kinda gal. Maybe my confidence level is in the toilet and maybe I now have no clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Things change. People change. I've changed. I used to be so sure. But reality is harsh. I have to grow up.
But I am still me. I promise.
But those who trust in the L
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
tired.
so last night...i only got about an hour or so of sleep. we played crazy games, injured ourselves, and were just crazy in general. but it was with some of my favorite people in the world so it was amazing!!! i just am amazed at where God has placed me and who He has placed in my life. im spoiled rotten with my youth group and i know that sometimes i take it forgranted. then i got ouinto the world and see that not every guy is like our guys and our beautiful girls are oh so special! so if i am going to act insanely crazy and weird with folks other than family...i know where to go. thanks to mr. and mrs. k for all the love and fun they give us, along with all the lessons. and thanks to all the youth groupers for the way that you each individually add to the experience. and thanks most of all to God for this blessing in my life.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!
so after a rather lackluster season, here we are in the playoffs. amazingl. im still in absolute shock over last week's game. i watched most of the first half at lydia and matt's amongst the members of matt's fantasy football league. picture this...ruth (wearing #36), me, lydia, and anna (all wearing #20) lined up 2 feet away from the tv. we got many a comment, you may imagine. "those manthey girls" were cheering their heads off. when i left for youth group with mr. k, we listened to the last 2 or so minutes of the game. another touchdown. then i was in the bathroom and mrs. k told me that mr. odle had something to tell me. i walked out and he told me about the last touchdown of the half. i was jumping up and down and screaming like a wild woman. then i camped by the boombox and heard the rest of the game. AHMAZING!!! that astounding win paired with the losses of the bears and tampa bay = PLAYOFFS!!! i can hardly wait for today's game and can only hope and pray that my boys will play just as well or maybe even better than they did last week. FLY EAGLES FLY!!!
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