updateee

once again, i've been reminded by my friendly neighborhood blog tracker that this has not be updated in quite some time. for this i must apologize and beg everyone's forgiveness.
life is busy...life is crazy...life is life.

i have found in the past couple months that my faith in God's will and love for me and my ability to trust in Him has been quite lacking. quite lacking as in barely existing. its a long, weary road back to where i need and want to be. i know the steps that i should take. i know what needs to be done. but im stubbornly fighting against them because silly little me thinks that i may hold some sort of sway over this life of mine. by holding out and not trusting Him, i can make things go my way, at least for a little while. trusting leads to testing of that trust. and i do not like to think of what that test may be.

this past weekend i went on a retreat with katie's church. i went last year and had a blast and was excited for this year. but mostly for time spent messing around with katie. the retreat is geared towards the middle school crowd and us high and mighty senior high-ers go as junior leaders. i didnt really know it until i got a nice slap in the face, but i was going expecting to not get anything out of it at all. so when the speaker, Tiger, started talking about his heart problem and how he hadnt planned on having it and the effects it has on his life, it was like a slap in the face for me. it was God saying, PAY ATTENTION! for here was my very struggle. giving to God the things in life we cannot handle ourselves. things out of our control. things that He has only put in our lives to draw us near to His heart. Tiger's main point is that life is not fair. no matter how HOLY or GOOD we are, bad things can still happen to us. his illustration included the two men who built their houses: the wise one on the rock whose house withstood the storm; the foolish one on the sand whose house tumbled down in the storm. his point? the STORM. just because we claim Christ as our own and act on that does not spare us from the trials of life. that is not what sets us apart. if it was, i believe the Christain faith would have a lot more fans. what sets us apart is how we respond to the storms that beat on our houses. so here i was, crying, although not really because i rarely if ever cry in front of real people...crying out. and i found i was railing against God, beating Him on the chest...and after a while, there was a sense of calming, of peace. because in that moment, i had allowed myself to be hugged by my Father.

later that night, katie and i were in charge of the "family time" which is a little devotional type thing with the whole youth group right before bed. we somehow ended up being the only ones, when usually there are at least five people up there. but we had at it all right! there is a lesson plan that we were given, asking questions about good and bad points of their day and then one, rather generic question about taking their faith out of this weekend and putting it into viewable practice in the real world. now the poor dear children were looking rather bored. and i admit, it was boring. now the reader must note that katie and i are alike in many ways, one of them being our inability or dislike of opening up to people. for me at least, it takes someone i really trust and who loves me enough to know when to push me and when to just wait for me to come to them. with that in mind...katie starts talking about how the previous week had been very hard for her and opening up about her strubbles and what not. but that's for her to tell...after she was finished, i was kind of in awe because, even though i'd heard it before, i had no idea why she would say that to all of these kids who barely know her. (that group is not as close knit as ours...there were some kids that some of the leaders werent even sure belonged to us). so she finished rambling and there was a moment of silence. and then someone started talking. talking about trusting God and making it a daily choice and some other stuff...after awhile, it became clear to me that i must have an evil twin in the world after all, for it was my voice. and there stood my evil twin, right in front of me, pouring out her heart to these kids and leaders that she barely knew, saying things she'd never before uttered in the hearing of another human being.

im not sure why i, for i am the evil twin, did such a thing that night. maybe i was too tired, too stressed to hold back. maybe i scared those little kids. maybe the leaders started worrying, wondering if it was alright to leave me unattended with any sharp objects or long items of clothing. and maybe what i accidentally let out had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about before, but who knows. because i certainly have no idea what all i said. but inside i felt a little lighter. and i hope that my slightly erratic ramblings had some impact, that God meant for me to spill a bit of myself on the floor (what a mess!), not only for my sake.

another thing from this past weekend...a possibility that will be life changing. i am seriously considering applying to be a part of one of the captive free teams after graduating high school. captive free is a smaller part of youth encounter. captive free is a four person (usually) band that travels together for a year, doing programs at schools, churches, and small retreats like the one we were on. it is an august to august committment. they break the country down into 5 sections, making 5 different bands. im pretty sure placement is random, so i could end up anywhere in the country. it would obviously take away a year from college and i would have to raise the funds necessary. its basically looked at as short-term missionary work. i can apply as early as september of my senior year (coming up!) and i would know before the new year whether or not i have been placed. that would mean that i could have a few back up plans for college if im not picked. i would appreciate prayers and any advice, if applicable =]
check it out if you'd like --> http://www.youthencounter.org/Default.aspx?tabid=36

i hope this has been sufficent blog-age updating for my friendly neighborhood blog tracker...