so last monday, 20 some teens from my youth group, plus a few leaders to keep us in line, headed off to long beach island, new jersey for a retreat that my youth group has done for years. it was my first time going and i wasnt quite sure what to expect. i actually realized by tuesday afternoon that i wasnt really having a very good week, one reason will be explained later, and the other was because i was expecting too much. not too much in the sense that my expections were not being met. but in the fact that the stories i had heard from others were not matching up with the experience i was having. i then decided that i was going to start over, clear my mind of the opinions that were unknowingly forced on me about Harvey Cedars, and live in the moment and just listen to what God was saying for me, Joanna Manthey, to hear in July 2008. and my week changed gears then for the better in so many ways.
so five minutes away from HCBC itself, one of the cars in our caravan was rear-ended, bumped into the red van ((which contained most of the girls, including me)) and back into the van that hit it in the first place. we were stopped at a red light and pretty much sat there for a while in shock trying to figure out what happened. eventually we pulled into a parking lot and everyone was fine. the guy said his brakes failed. but we found out later that they actually hadnt. so it happened that we all arrived at least a half hour late to the camp, with five of our co-youth groupers in a police car. how bout those first impressions! =]
the whole week was just filled with amazing moments with some of my favorite people in the world in a beautiful setting. to tell you of all the little moments that made me smile or think or just made me happy in general would take forever. God showed me many things this past week and through the love and support of others, and through loving and supporting others, i have seen God's love. one big thing that i would like to share: in a previous blog i talked about my struggles with trusting God's will and ultimate plan in my life and in the lives of those i love. i came to the stark reality that i may lose the strongest man in my life. i had a dream a couple weeks ago that i was getting married. well about to. i was standing at the end of the aisle, waiting. for what i wasnt sure. but eventually, i heard the wedding march. i started walking, slowly, gracefully. but i had this nagging feeling that something was missing. i stopped suddenly when i realized that i was walking alone. i was not hanging on to my daddy's arm. i was completely and utterly alone. sure there were people around me, but this wasnt the way it was supposed to be. i woke up from that dream with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. i had to check and see that my daddy was alright.
while at Harvey Cedars, i felt so much more in God's presence at times. and He was pulling me close to Him. but there was something in between that always pushed me back. i realized that me holding on to my daddy was pushing me away from God, telling Him "i love you so much God and i want you in control of my life. just not my daddy." and soon i realized i was taking more and more back. "just one more thing that i cant trust you with God." and its rediculous that i thought that i could take better care of things than the God of the universe.
our speaker was so real and down to earth and not trying to impress. he was actually an assistant principal at a middle school. he wasnt paid to talk down to us. he truely had a desire to be there. one night, i believe thursday or friday, he was talking about something. and some random sentence caught my attention and to be honest i did not hear anything else he said that night. it had nothing to do with it, but for some reason God took one little sentence that i cant even remember now, and turned my head. He showed me just how much not trusting Him with my daddy's life was having an affect on my relationship with Him, others, and my life in general. at that moment i turned completely control over to God. it was so simple. and i felt like i've done it a million times. but for some reason it felt different. on thing the speaker said all week was if you make a commitment, good for you. but satan is going to come in right away and try to work his way between the cracks and break you. right way a thought popped into my mind.
what if i find out later that at the exact moment i was finally trusting God completely, He takes my daddy. where does that leave me? im trusting Him, does he have to test me?
but quickly i forced myself to think of God's promises of eternal life and the fact that i will see my daddy again. and God will put no trial in our lives that we can not handle. the peace that washed over me was like no other thing i have ever experienced. i dont think i told anyone right then. i dont think i have told anyone. im still pretty much in awe of the experience itself and im selfishly holding on to that feeling. but i feel that i used the overflow of God's grace, mercy, love and peace and helped a friend in need. God lessened my pain by putting those in my path to care for. and even tho i came close to losing my patience a few times, He used that to make me forget to feel pity for little ol' me. and my patience has been strengthened on so many levels.
well this really didnt turn out the way i thought it would: an overview of the week. def. a lot more and hopefully it makes sense.
our God is most assuredly an awesome God.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
a window into my mind...
im sure i've said before on this blog that im the type of person who holds back emotion.
not that im totally void of any feelings. i love to laugh and smile and be joyful in the things that God has blessed me with. but in things that try my faith and test my patience, such as cancer, i find that i tend to look inward for strength. in so many ways im denying God the right to work in my life, altho He is. i just have a hard time accepting it. for a while i felt that deep down inside, subconsiously of course because it is quite impossible, i joanna manthey could do something to get rid of the cancer in my own daddy and my best friend's dad, who has become like a second father to me in many ways. then after some time i realized how ridiculous this really was. so then i moved on to questioning God's motives. i've had dreams where i am literally beating on God's chest in frustration, begging him to take away the cancer, that its not fair, why me, why me, poor little old me. i've been having some major trust issues. which is awful to know and very hard to resist. i find myself unknowingly trying to find ways around going to God with my anger and grief. i know that He has His reasons in all things and that He will never give us any trial that we cant handle and that He will be by our side, holding us if need be, through to the end. and i just havent been able to fully grasp that fact. so i tend to hide how deeply and truely upset i really am most of the time. and just recently, it took a scare ((which turned out to be nothing as bad as i was imagining. i was quite misinformed)) and a rather nice young man that i know pretty well to bring me back to the place where i should be, fully trusting, at least trying with all my heart to fully trust in my Lord and Savior and feeling safe in the fact that He IS watching over me, no matter what im going through.
not that im totally void of any feelings. i love to laugh and smile and be joyful in the things that God has blessed me with. but in things that try my faith and test my patience, such as cancer, i find that i tend to look inward for strength. in so many ways im denying God the right to work in my life, altho He is. i just have a hard time accepting it. for a while i felt that deep down inside, subconsiously of course because it is quite impossible, i joanna manthey could do something to get rid of the cancer in my own daddy and my best friend's dad, who has become like a second father to me in many ways. then after some time i realized how ridiculous this really was. so then i moved on to questioning God's motives. i've had dreams where i am literally beating on God's chest in frustration, begging him to take away the cancer, that its not fair, why me, why me, poor little old me. i've been having some major trust issues. which is awful to know and very hard to resist. i find myself unknowingly trying to find ways around going to God with my anger and grief. i know that He has His reasons in all things and that He will never give us any trial that we cant handle and that He will be by our side, holding us if need be, through to the end. and i just havent been able to fully grasp that fact. so i tend to hide how deeply and truely upset i really am most of the time. and just recently, it took a scare ((which turned out to be nothing as bad as i was imagining. i was quite misinformed)) and a rather nice young man that i know pretty well to bring me back to the place where i should be, fully trusting, at least trying with all my heart to fully trust in my Lord and Savior and feeling safe in the fact that He IS watching over me, no matter what im going through.
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