babysitting...

last night...well it was fun.
babysitting 5 kids, aged 11 down to 1, plus my little brother. it was crazy. it was mayhem. its my family. =D

at one point i was thinking of what else i could have been doing. i could have gone to the dance. could have slept over at erica's. could have been at home wasting time. but in the end, i was very glad that i didnt.

you know, in school, they give you the Baby Think It Over. its supposed to "prepare" you for having a baby and show how much work it really is. well i think that they should expand the program to a live, FAMILY think it over. its very much more effective. and the "live" part really hits home. speaking from personal experience here. =]

as i was putting the munchkins to bed; brushing teeth, telling stories, tucking in...i found myself thinking into the future and the past. i guess i was sorta dreaming? haha.

i saw myself living alone in a lighthouse by the sea, perfectly content with the life i had chosen. then, i went to babysit my sister's family. and i suddenly wished i had one of my own. but it was too late, for some reason. ((its hard to explain how i knew that...you know in dreams you kinda just KNOW stuff that really doesnt make sense for you to know)) anywho.

then i saw myself in my mom's position. tons of little munchkins running around and me going crazy(er). but then i realized that i was running a daycare and none of them were actually mine.

THEN i saw myself in a nice house somewhere in the suburbs. i was rocking a little baby to sleep. and i knew that it was mine. i didnt know who my husband was, or even if i was married. but i was content to just rock this baby forever.

so yeah. random thoughts of the day. when i say im not getting married, all my friends tell me that i just HAVE to...that all that MOTHER in me cant be wasted on animals in a lighthouse by the sea, or someone else children in a daycare. i guess they're right. im not planning any marriages anytime soon, for those of you who might be thinking that this is all leading up to something. and im not pregnant, so you dont have to worry about that. =]

all im saying is that God works in mysterious ways and no one ever knows how they're life will turn out. so im gonna try to keep an open mind about my future...


PS: a lighthouse by the sea would be a good summer home...=]

confused. more so than usual.

i dont know whats going on anymore.
as soon as i think i have one thing figured out, something else turns out wrong or just different than i would have liked. but i guess God is just trying to show me gently that im not and cant always be in control. i can think of somethings that He could do that would really get it through to me, which really scares me.
i feel torn in so many ways. never in my life have i had so many guys showing interest in me. i dont know if some of them just got together and decided i would be the victim of this awful prank or what. but thats what it feels like at times. i feel like im betraying them all if i pay any attention to one. but they're all my really really good friends and i never want to lose that. i just feel like no matter who i choose, someone is going to be hurt, some friendship is never going to be the same. and i dont know how i can gently hint at them anymore than i already am.
also, some people may be taking me, the way i am, the way i act, and reading it the wrong way. i just dont know.

i knew that would be taken the wrong way.
always. always.
*sighs*

did i make a mistake?

the lighthouse is looking pretty good right about now...

today...blech.

today i woke up. took a shower. ate breakfast. got ready for school. made coffee concoction! ((tehe)) and headed out to the bus stop. uneventful bus ride. got to school. told ppl about my weekend. headed off to homeroom. my day was going pretty well. no major problems nothing too exciting either. altho science was quite interesting...discovering URMOMIUM newest element...tehe. "WAIT! WE HAVE TO HAND THAT IN!?!?! O NOOO!!!" *falls on the floor laughing* great times. long story.

anywho. so 9th period, a few of us were helping J-Dog ((Mr. Jordan)) by bringing some band stuff from outside in the truck into the band room. it was before orchestra started and there were like three of us in the room. the doors were left open because it was so nice out. i innocently made a comment to the air and erika along the lines of "its so nice outside! maybe we should play out there!" mr. merkley heard me and yelled across the room, "IF ANYONE ELSE SAYS ANYTHInG ABOUT PLAYING OUTSIDE THE DOORS WILL BE SHUT! THAT IS A PRIVILEGE TO LET IN SOME FRESH AIR!" ...*silence*

erika and i just looked at each other. erika:" whats up his butt?"
me: "hmm. must be a bow!" tehe silly us!

but with a start like that, the period didnt go too well. then tenth period was just poop and a half. exactly. then i had to stay after to finish a project which turned out really really badly! poo. and THEN i had to stay for ensemble which im supposed to be doing but dont really have time for it and he has been pressuring me to do and really dont want to. *sighs* but my mom picked me up at 4 and i came home.

then my sister anna made my day. she just told me how proud she was of me and stuff like that. and she said that she's been meaning to tell me that but she always forgets until a time when she cant call. but im glad that she remembered today. i think God knew that i needed it.


so today was good/bad. =/?

lonnnggggg

Guess its been a while since i've blogged. and i've heard it from some people. actually...only ONE! grr. =] but yeah. so this will be a recap/bringing up to date/venting/probably very long blog! ok? ok. lets get started.

last week was interesting. i started out the week with a nasty cold turned sinus nastiness. so at show choir during school i was getting slightly bored since i could barely sing. then, last tuesday night, i could sing a bit more. so i pushed my voice to work and it did. for two hours. i pushed. and sang. and pranced and danced around the stage. but it got a bit old. when one is preparing for a show of all broadway songs/dances, it can really take it out of you, especially if you're sick to start with. so as soon as i stopped, i felt awful. plus i was confronted about nasty drama of the past that people just cant let go of. i mean come on! i have little patience for people who accuse me of being a drama queen/attention getter and then THEY keep dragging it up in my face when its settled and when i've already forgiven them. my patience is like this *indicates with fingers* thin right now and i think they know it. i feel like they're just waiting for me to blow. cuz then they might actually have something REAL to talk about and hold against me. grr.

anywho. so tuesday night after show choir i was feeling quite discouraged with myself and feeling like maybe i do suck at life like they're trying to tell me. so as i stood in the cold wind outside of school, waiting for my father to arrive, i prayed and thought about all that was going on. i felt a bit better, and by the time my father FINALLY did arrive, i was tired/sore/sick but feeling better inside than i had in a while.

wednesday wasnt all that exciting that i remember. but thursday after school we had show choir practice. and i got a monologue for the revue and a part in a children's play. as i was walking out of the school, the wind blowing my hair all around ((i told my mother as i got in the car that i felt like a model in a photo shoot, what with the wind and all the random ppl in cars watching me walk across the parking lot cuz i was the first one to escape.)) i realized that i was, for the first time in a llllooonnnnggggg time, i was UBER EXCITED for this broadway revue! and it made me feel so much better!

friday was an ok school day. but friday evening i went to emily cirullo's house and slept over. we watched some good movies and had some fun times with her baby ((plastic as it was...tehe)) then saturday afternoon i got home around 2, had some time to get ready, make coffee, and then headed off to babysit lana and trent for the evening. i slept over there and went to church with them on sunday morning. then i went home, had lunch, got ready, and headed off to football, then choir, then YOUTH GROUP! which was fun. at football i decided to play red light green light. but the boys werent cooperating for the most part. losers. =]

so that was last week. this has been a bit too long. so i think i'll save today for another time...

Lighthouse Theory

for a while now, i've had this plan.

i am going to be a bitter old spinster living in a lighthouse by the sea.

i shall own assortments of pets to keep me company.

megan mcglinchey will be joining me in my spinster(ish)(ness)(hood).

i will work at walmart, handing out the happy-smile stickers and scaring the little children.

i will also work at mcdonalds and hand out happy meals while spouting off random facts of how obese kids are these days and how they're all gonna DIE!!!

im excited.

=DDD

David Copperfield Remake

As I sit here watching the oldest verison of David Copperfield ever made, I have realized something. As each new character is introduced into this charming story, I see that me, myself, and I could play every single part. It might be a mite difficult at times where there are more than two people in the scene. But I figure that it will all work out.

Another problem might arise doing filming would be playing Jip, who happens to be male, less than a foot tall, rather hairy, and a nasty, rough voice. Yes, he is a dog. =D

But I believe that other than that, I shouldn't have a problem. All the girls are either high-pitched voiced, "delicate" flowers or hearty, no-nonsense characters. Then there are the men. There would be the evil stepfather, the crazy uncle, the creepy wanna be lawyer, the woman-stealing best friend, and then David himself. There is a wider variety with the men, but I feel confident that I will be able to pull that off as well.

So to sum up this thought: I am remaking David Copperfield. I will be playing all the parts, except one. I will be auditioning for that part in a couple weeks. If you know any dogs interested in Jip's part, please have them contact me.

That is all.

"Friends?"

so i've been told that i need to keep up with this. so i will.
random update on my life: recently one of my best friends for about 3 years told me quite clearly that she no longer wanted to be so anymore. i had been feeling a sense of change around her for a while but chose to ignore it and try to move past it. but it got worse and worse until finally i confronted her about it. she said nothing was wrong. then later i asked her again and she said that we had nothing in common anymore. which is in no way true. i had nothing to say to her after that although i considered many things. but i decided to be the bigger person and give her space.
in talking to other good friends about this whole deal and getting some outside opinions on the matter, i realized a few things: others were noticing that she was pushing me slowly out of her life (for another "best friend") and that i had real friends waiting to show me what the word friendship really means. i realized also that i had been shutting out some friends because of my closeness to these "best" friends. i felt terrible that i had been ditched. but relieved that i now knew who i could truely trust. i had been struggling to figure out what i had done wrong that made her treat me this way. but i then realized that i didnt need to do that. i prayed about it and talked to some people and worked out some things in my mind.
first: there is nothing i can do to make her be my best friend. best friend is a choice on both individuals' parts and cant be forced or cant be real.
second: a true friend wouldn't do this to a best or even good friend without a good reason. maybe its true that we don't have as much in common as we used to.
three: she needs time to decide if this is really what she wants to do. she's said and done a lot of things that she may not have thought about all the way through.
four: i have other friends out there for me. she's not the only one i've got. now i can focus on the friends that really care for me and have always been so. the ones that i've shut out unknowingly, yet still are there for me now. and the ones that i cant thank enough for that fact.
over all i think this experience has been very good for me. i had my good cry about it and found out who my true friends are.
i just want to say that no matter what happens...i am still her friend. if not her best friend anymore..im still her friend. at first i wanted to say and do all sorts of mean, horrible things to make her feel sorry for doing this to me. but thats not what God wants and not what she deserves. she may have hurt me now, but who knows what i can do for her later in life. i just want her to know that im here, and will be even though she said she doesnt want to be there for me. this is the love that God shows us. and the love that im trying to show her with God's help.