a window into my mind...

im sure i've said before on this blog that im the type of person who holds back emotion.
not that im totally void of any feelings. i love to laugh and smile and be joyful in the things that God has blessed me with. but in things that try my faith and test my patience, such as cancer, i find that i tend to look inward for strength. in so many ways im denying God the right to work in my life, altho He is. i just have a hard time accepting it. for a while i felt that deep down inside, subconsiously of course because it is quite impossible, i joanna manthey could do something to get rid of the cancer in my own daddy and my best friend's dad, who has become like a second father to me in many ways. then after some time i realized how ridiculous this really was. so then i moved on to questioning God's motives. i've had dreams where i am literally beating on God's chest in frustration, begging him to take away the cancer, that its not fair, why me, why me, poor little old me. i've been having some major trust issues. which is awful to know and very hard to resist. i find myself unknowingly trying to find ways around going to God with my anger and grief. i know that He has His reasons in all things and that He will never give us any trial that we cant handle and that He will be by our side, holding us if need be, through to the end. and i just havent been able to fully grasp that fact. so i tend to hide how deeply and truely upset i really am most of the time. and just recently, it took a scare ((which turned out to be nothing as bad as i was imagining. i was quite misinformed)) and a rather nice young man that i know pretty well to bring me back to the place where i should be, fully trusting, at least trying with all my heart to fully trust in my Lord and Savior and feeling safe in the fact that He IS watching over me, no matter what im going through.