my entry in the notebook in our cabin at world's end
Another year, following tradition. Another year enjoying the close company of dear family. Coming here has been a part of my life; every year, just one of the events that simply is, no questions asked. But despite the regularity of it in my life, every year I am stuck anew with the awesome realization that I am a small speck in all of God’s marvelous creation. Yet such a feeling is calming because if all the world is in His control, despite the bears wandering around our cabins, the violent thunderstorm which was awesome but scary with the threat of a tornado, and health issues hanging over our heads, I will be just fine.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Your memory still lingers
There are places I can’t go
You may no longer haunt me
With every step I take
But you’re there all the same
No one could take you place
Because no one I know
That lies like you
Will ever get that close to me again
I’ve learned my lesson
Thanks for the memories
But so much more
Thanks for leaving.
I found my new beginning.
There are places I can’t go
You may no longer haunt me
With every step I take
But you’re there all the same
No one could take you place
Because no one I know
That lies like you
Will ever get that close to me again
I’ve learned my lesson
Thanks for the memories
But so much more
Thanks for leaving.
I found my new beginning.
inspiration
Inspiration like lightning strikes.
Thunder pounds your soul.
Rain masks the falling tears,
Laugh until you cry again.
Empty of all aspirations,
Staring down your fears.
Simply out of desperation,
Watching with a sinking heart,
The dust that once blew so free.
Dampened down to mud,
Clinging to your feet,
Weighing down your steps.
Yet you soar,
Opposite of dust.
Each new roll,
And each new strike,
A beat of your newfound heart.
A flap of your newfound wings.
A push to move
Past the clouds
On to meet the sun.
Find what you seek.
Thunder pounds your soul.
Rain masks the falling tears,
Laugh until you cry again.
Empty of all aspirations,
Staring down your fears.
Simply out of desperation,
Watching with a sinking heart,
The dust that once blew so free.
Dampened down to mud,
Clinging to your feet,
Weighing down your steps.
Yet you soar,
Opposite of dust.
Each new roll,
And each new strike,
A beat of your newfound heart.
A flap of your newfound wings.
A push to move
Past the clouds
On to meet the sun.
Find what you seek.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Growing Pains
When I was younger, about 7 and then again at about 11, I had major growth spurts. They happened mostly in my legs and the worst pain would come in the middle of the night. I would wake up screaming and crying. My daddy would come downstairs and carry me up to my parents’ room. After rubbing some kind of cream onto my legs to help the aching, they would let me sleep between them for the rest of the night. Such a place of security, tucked in safe and sound between Mommy and Daddy. While the growing pains were a very physical problem, there was an emotional piece of me tied to them. In taking care of the physical, my dad also took care of the emotional: the need for love and security.
I have never known my father as a truly healthy man. He has always had some medical issue or other. Seeing the strongest, most important man in your life, trying to smile through the pain and the tubes and wires, takes a little piece of your heart every single time. I used to wish that he would never end up there again. Now I just wish for the pain to stop. For him. For my family. I wish for the strength to let him go when the time comes. Cancer does not care what my hopes and dreams are.
I remember dreaming once when my daddy was really sick in the hospital that I was trying to follow him upstairs but I wasn’t allowed to go. Suddenly it was clear he was dying, leaving me behind. More than anything I wanted to go with him.
But now I see that my new wishes include what I know he wishes for me and will continue to wish even when he is no longer here to tell me. I have to keep living. I dream of living a life that he would be proud of, that he is a part of because I carry all that he has ever taught me.
Live. Love. Remember.
Some growing pains are beyond the care of humans.
I have never known my father as a truly healthy man. He has always had some medical issue or other. Seeing the strongest, most important man in your life, trying to smile through the pain and the tubes and wires, takes a little piece of your heart every single time. I used to wish that he would never end up there again. Now I just wish for the pain to stop. For him. For my family. I wish for the strength to let him go when the time comes. Cancer does not care what my hopes and dreams are.
I remember dreaming once when my daddy was really sick in the hospital that I was trying to follow him upstairs but I wasn’t allowed to go. Suddenly it was clear he was dying, leaving me behind. More than anything I wanted to go with him.
But now I see that my new wishes include what I know he wishes for me and will continue to wish even when he is no longer here to tell me. I have to keep living. I dream of living a life that he would be proud of, that he is a part of because I carry all that he has ever taught me.
Live. Love. Remember.
Some growing pains are beyond the care of humans.
not really done...but "had" to get something up here...
Turmoil. Waves rolling through the ocean. Rushing, pushing, shoving. It cares not for your sanity. Lose your footing, sense of balance. You want to look, stay and watch. You can’t quite bring yourself to do so. You want to turn, run away, forget it all. But it’s there all the same, inescapable. Stay. Run. Stay. Run. Go back to being a little child, crawl up in his lap again. life throws the curveballs, shakes up the game. Not a team player, an unfair opponent. Take the accidents, the incidents, the moments of pain; take the blows. Take a deep breath, get over it. Happens all the time; everyone has low points, bad times. But to deal with it twenty-four seven, day in, day out. see the decline. Watch the fall. Happening in slow motion, no stopping it now. It’s beyond all control…(incomplete)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
updateee
once again, i've been reminded by my friendly neighborhood blog tracker that this has not be updated in quite some time. for this i must apologize and beg everyone's forgiveness.
life is busy...life is crazy...life is life.
i have found in the past couple months that my faith in God's will and love for me and my ability to trust in Him has been quite lacking. quite lacking as in barely existing. its a long, weary road back to where i need and want to be. i know the steps that i should take. i know what needs to be done. but im stubbornly fighting against them because silly little me thinks that i may hold some sort of sway over this life of mine. by holding out and not trusting Him, i can make things go my way, at least for a little while. trusting leads to testing of that trust. and i do not like to think of what that test may be.
this past weekend i went on a retreat with katie's church. i went last year and had a blast and was excited for this year. but mostly for time spent messing around with katie. the retreat is geared towards the middle school crowd and us high and mighty senior high-ers go as junior leaders. i didnt really know it until i got a nice slap in the face, but i was going expecting to not get anything out of it at all. so when the speaker, Tiger, started talking about his heart problem and how he hadnt planned on having it and the effects it has on his life, it was like a slap in the face for me. it was God saying, PAY ATTENTION! for here was my very struggle. giving to God the things in life we cannot handle ourselves. things out of our control. things that He has only put in our lives to draw us near to His heart. Tiger's main point is that life is not fair. no matter how HOLY or GOOD we are, bad things can still happen to us. his illustration included the two men who built their houses: the wise one on the rock whose house withstood the storm; the foolish one on the sand whose house tumbled down in the storm. his point? the STORM. just because we claim Christ as our own and act on that does not spare us from the trials of life. that is not what sets us apart. if it was, i believe the Christain faith would have a lot more fans. what sets us apart is how we respond to the storms that beat on our houses. so here i was, crying, although not really because i rarely if ever cry in front of real people...crying out. and i found i was railing against God, beating Him on the chest...and after a while, there was a sense of calming, of peace. because in that moment, i had allowed myself to be hugged by my Father.
later that night, katie and i were in charge of the "family time" which is a little devotional type thing with the whole youth group right before bed. we somehow ended up being the only ones, when usually there are at least five people up there. but we had at it all right! there is a lesson plan that we were given, asking questions about good and bad points of their day and then one, rather generic question about taking their faith out of this weekend and putting it into viewable practice in the real world. now the poor dear children were looking rather bored. and i admit, it was boring. now the reader must note that katie and i are alike in many ways, one of them being our inability or dislike of opening up to people. for me at least, it takes someone i really trust and who loves me enough to know when to push me and when to just wait for me to come to them. with that in mind...katie starts talking about how the previous week had been very hard for her and opening up about her strubbles and what not. but that's for her to tell...after she was finished, i was kind of in awe because, even though i'd heard it before, i had no idea why she would say that to all of these kids who barely know her. (that group is not as close knit as ours...there were some kids that some of the leaders werent even sure belonged to us). so she finished rambling and there was a moment of silence. and then someone started talking. talking about trusting God and making it a daily choice and some other stuff...after awhile, it became clear to me that i must have an evil twin in the world after all, for it was my voice. and there stood my evil twin, right in front of me, pouring out her heart to these kids and leaders that she barely knew, saying things she'd never before uttered in the hearing of another human being.
im not sure why i, for i am the evil twin, did such a thing that night. maybe i was too tired, too stressed to hold back. maybe i scared those little kids. maybe the leaders started worrying, wondering if it was alright to leave me unattended with any sharp objects or long items of clothing. and maybe what i accidentally let out had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about before, but who knows. because i certainly have no idea what all i said. but inside i felt a little lighter. and i hope that my slightly erratic ramblings had some impact, that God meant for me to spill a bit of myself on the floor (what a mess!), not only for my sake.
another thing from this past weekend...a possibility that will be life changing. i am seriously considering applying to be a part of one of the captive free teams after graduating high school. captive free is a smaller part of youth encounter. captive free is a four person (usually) band that travels together for a year, doing programs at schools, churches, and small retreats like the one we were on. it is an august to august committment. they break the country down into 5 sections, making 5 different bands. im pretty sure placement is random, so i could end up anywhere in the country. it would obviously take away a year from college and i would have to raise the funds necessary. its basically looked at as short-term missionary work. i can apply as early as september of my senior year (coming up!) and i would know before the new year whether or not i have been placed. that would mean that i could have a few back up plans for college if im not picked. i would appreciate prayers and any advice, if applicable =]
check it out if you'd like --> http://www.youthencounter.org/Default.aspx?tabid=36
i hope this has been sufficent blog-age updating for my friendly neighborhood blog tracker...
life is busy...life is crazy...life is life.
i have found in the past couple months that my faith in God's will and love for me and my ability to trust in Him has been quite lacking. quite lacking as in barely existing. its a long, weary road back to where i need and want to be. i know the steps that i should take. i know what needs to be done. but im stubbornly fighting against them because silly little me thinks that i may hold some sort of sway over this life of mine. by holding out and not trusting Him, i can make things go my way, at least for a little while. trusting leads to testing of that trust. and i do not like to think of what that test may be.
this past weekend i went on a retreat with katie's church. i went last year and had a blast and was excited for this year. but mostly for time spent messing around with katie. the retreat is geared towards the middle school crowd and us high and mighty senior high-ers go as junior leaders. i didnt really know it until i got a nice slap in the face, but i was going expecting to not get anything out of it at all. so when the speaker, Tiger, started talking about his heart problem and how he hadnt planned on having it and the effects it has on his life, it was like a slap in the face for me. it was God saying, PAY ATTENTION! for here was my very struggle. giving to God the things in life we cannot handle ourselves. things out of our control. things that He has only put in our lives to draw us near to His heart. Tiger's main point is that life is not fair. no matter how HOLY or GOOD we are, bad things can still happen to us. his illustration included the two men who built their houses: the wise one on the rock whose house withstood the storm; the foolish one on the sand whose house tumbled down in the storm. his point? the STORM. just because we claim Christ as our own and act on that does not spare us from the trials of life. that is not what sets us apart. if it was, i believe the Christain faith would have a lot more fans. what sets us apart is how we respond to the storms that beat on our houses. so here i was, crying, although not really because i rarely if ever cry in front of real people...crying out. and i found i was railing against God, beating Him on the chest...and after a while, there was a sense of calming, of peace. because in that moment, i had allowed myself to be hugged by my Father.
later that night, katie and i were in charge of the "family time" which is a little devotional type thing with the whole youth group right before bed. we somehow ended up being the only ones, when usually there are at least five people up there. but we had at it all right! there is a lesson plan that we were given, asking questions about good and bad points of their day and then one, rather generic question about taking their faith out of this weekend and putting it into viewable practice in the real world. now the poor dear children were looking rather bored. and i admit, it was boring. now the reader must note that katie and i are alike in many ways, one of them being our inability or dislike of opening up to people. for me at least, it takes someone i really trust and who loves me enough to know when to push me and when to just wait for me to come to them. with that in mind...katie starts talking about how the previous week had been very hard for her and opening up about her strubbles and what not. but that's for her to tell...after she was finished, i was kind of in awe because, even though i'd heard it before, i had no idea why she would say that to all of these kids who barely know her. (that group is not as close knit as ours...there were some kids that some of the leaders werent even sure belonged to us). so she finished rambling and there was a moment of silence. and then someone started talking. talking about trusting God and making it a daily choice and some other stuff...after awhile, it became clear to me that i must have an evil twin in the world after all, for it was my voice. and there stood my evil twin, right in front of me, pouring out her heart to these kids and leaders that she barely knew, saying things she'd never before uttered in the hearing of another human being.
im not sure why i, for i am the evil twin, did such a thing that night. maybe i was too tired, too stressed to hold back. maybe i scared those little kids. maybe the leaders started worrying, wondering if it was alright to leave me unattended with any sharp objects or long items of clothing. and maybe what i accidentally let out had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about before, but who knows. because i certainly have no idea what all i said. but inside i felt a little lighter. and i hope that my slightly erratic ramblings had some impact, that God meant for me to spill a bit of myself on the floor (what a mess!), not only for my sake.
another thing from this past weekend...a possibility that will be life changing. i am seriously considering applying to be a part of one of the captive free teams after graduating high school. captive free is a smaller part of youth encounter. captive free is a four person (usually) band that travels together for a year, doing programs at schools, churches, and small retreats like the one we were on. it is an august to august committment. they break the country down into 5 sections, making 5 different bands. im pretty sure placement is random, so i could end up anywhere in the country. it would obviously take away a year from college and i would have to raise the funds necessary. its basically looked at as short-term missionary work. i can apply as early as september of my senior year (coming up!) and i would know before the new year whether or not i have been placed. that would mean that i could have a few back up plans for college if im not picked. i would appreciate prayers and any advice, if applicable =]
check it out if you'd like --> http://www.youthencounter.org/Default.aspx?tabid=36
i hope this has been sufficent blog-age updating for my friendly neighborhood blog tracker...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
change
Why do we as humans think that we are strong, invincible? If not physically, then mentally? We assume that we can get through anything, usually with little or no help from others. So when something as terrible and destructive as cancer enters our lives through someone we hold very dear, our world is turned upside down. We can do nothing to fight this enemy. We can not win over it physically. We can not beat it mentally. We are stuck. We tend to look at all big events, maybe even little things in a different light. The this-may-be-the-last feel. The birthdays, vacations, traditions, laughs. We think ahead to future events, weddings, families. We already see the hole they will leave. And it can change you. It sobers you down, shakes you up.
But maybe we should all just slow down and look at our lives that way. Every day is a gift, not a given. Whether we have cancer or a hangnail. Be grateful for all the gifts that God gives you, in the time that He has given them to you.
So maybe I'm not also going to be that happy-go-lucky, ya-can't-bring-me-down-for-anything kinda gal. Maybe my confidence level is in the toilet and maybe I now have no clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Things change. People change. I've changed. I used to be so sure. But reality is harsh. I have to grow up.
But I am still me. I promise.
But those who trust in the L
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
tired.
so last night...i only got about an hour or so of sleep. we played crazy games, injured ourselves, and were just crazy in general. but it was with some of my favorite people in the world so it was amazing!!! i just am amazed at where God has placed me and who He has placed in my life. im spoiled rotten with my youth group and i know that sometimes i take it forgranted. then i got ouinto the world and see that not every guy is like our guys and our beautiful girls are oh so special! so if i am going to act insanely crazy and weird with folks other than family...i know where to go. thanks to mr. and mrs. k for all the love and fun they give us, along with all the lessons. and thanks to all the youth groupers for the way that you each individually add to the experience. and thanks most of all to God for this blessing in my life.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!
so after a rather lackluster season, here we are in the playoffs. amazingl. im still in absolute shock over last week's game. i watched most of the first half at lydia and matt's amongst the members of matt's fantasy football league. picture this...ruth (wearing #36), me, lydia, and anna (all wearing #20) lined up 2 feet away from the tv. we got many a comment, you may imagine. "those manthey girls" were cheering their heads off. when i left for youth group with mr. k, we listened to the last 2 or so minutes of the game. another touchdown. then i was in the bathroom and mrs. k told me that mr. odle had something to tell me. i walked out and he told me about the last touchdown of the half. i was jumping up and down and screaming like a wild woman. then i camped by the boombox and heard the rest of the game. AHMAZING!!! that astounding win paired with the losses of the bears and tampa bay = PLAYOFFS!!! i can hardly wait for today's game and can only hope and pray that my boys will play just as well or maybe even better than they did last week. FLY EAGLES FLY!!!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Random Rant on the Pleasures of Working in the Happy Land of Longacre's Dairy Bar
ok...so for the holiday season...Longacre's decided to be nice to the general public. so they sent off a coupon to the pottstown mercury. it was supposed to say "50 cents OFF any 1/2 gallon of ice cream". good ol' pottstown mercury prints a coupon alright. it reads "50 cents any 1/2 gallon of ice cream." of course Longacre's would never stand for that. apparently the newspaper realized its mistake and called the office. they agreed to run the add for free and fix it next week. so now, posted all over longacre's, is a sheet that tells the costumers the real story. so tonight at work, this rather crusty man walks in and brandishes his coupon cut out from the paper. i look up to find that delightful little piece in my face and immediately start to explain. well TRY to explain. right off the bat he tried to tell me that i should give him a half gallon for 50 cents anyway. i told him that it was a misprint on the paper's part and that it was clearly stated in many places around the store. he just continued to give me a hard time. one of my fellow male coworkers stepped up, and the man seemed to back off a little. then a guy from the back stepped in and eventually the guy just left. like didnt even take the 50 cents off. i guess he was soooo sure he could find a way to get his way. i love people! =]
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
today.
i have a slight cold and my throat hurts.
so i headed into the kitchen to make some tea.
without even noticing i got out my lighthouse mug and made myself some peppermint tea.
then, as i was waiting for it to cool a bit, i stopped. maybe the smell harbors memories; weird connections in my brain. but it threw me for a loop all the same. today of all days.
if you dont understand the meaning of this, its fine.
the one who was supposed to understand will.
i remembered.
so i headed into the kitchen to make some tea.
without even noticing i got out my lighthouse mug and made myself some peppermint tea.
then, as i was waiting for it to cool a bit, i stopped. maybe the smell harbors memories; weird connections in my brain. but it threw me for a loop all the same. today of all days.
if you dont understand the meaning of this, its fine.
the one who was supposed to understand will.
i remembered.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Rants of the Tinsel Teethed (Toothed?)
"Someday, when you have a BEEEUTIFUL! smile...you'll be glad for all this pain."
...
...
SUREEEE I WILLL! but right now i have to deal with all this hardware in my mouth.
sure its great to know that if someone is shining a uber powered light in your face you can get revenge simply by smiling and showing off your grill...but seriously...as i sit here and contemplate the ratio of pain to the growling in my stomach, i dont find it worth it at all. all these promises of someday, SOMEDAY! when right now im just worried about being able to survive until that promised day!
apple sauce...overcooked mac&cheese...apple sauce...overcooked mac&cheese...apple sauce...
you get the idea, im sure. and i haven't even had these buggers in my mouth for a year yet! its felt like ages! only 523 days 4 hours 49 minutes and 12 seconds to go.
NOTE TO SELF:
Things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving:
1) God's everlasting love.
2) Family who loves me because they have no choice.
3) Friends who, if they dont love me, at least put up with me.
4) Mac&cheese and apple sauce for the days I can't eat anything else.
5) A beautiful smile (someday) courtesy of the metalworks in my mouth.
6) An orthodontist appointment this week instead of the week of Thanksgiving.
...
...
SUREEEE I WILLL! but right now i have to deal with all this hardware in my mouth.
sure its great to know that if someone is shining a uber powered light in your face you can get revenge simply by smiling and showing off your grill...but seriously...as i sit here and contemplate the ratio of pain to the growling in my stomach, i dont find it worth it at all. all these promises of someday, SOMEDAY! when right now im just worried about being able to survive until that promised day!
apple sauce...overcooked mac&cheese...apple sauce...overcooked mac&cheese...apple sauce...
you get the idea, im sure. and i haven't even had these buggers in my mouth for a year yet! its felt like ages! only 523 days 4 hours 49 minutes and 12 seconds to go.
NOTE TO SELF:
Things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving:
1) God's everlasting love.
2) Family who loves me because they have no choice.
3) Friends who, if they dont love me, at least put up with me.
4) Mac&cheese and apple sauce for the days I can't eat anything else.
5) A beautiful smile (someday) courtesy of the metalworks in my mouth.
6) An orthodontist appointment this week instead of the week of Thanksgiving.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Beasty Girls
this past saturday, our youth group played in a flag football tournament. this is the third year in a row that we've gone. our girls team came in that first year and swept them off their feet. they, being the other churches, were none too happy about this of course. one team, in preporation for this year, held practices and even planned out at least five plays to use against us.
this year our usual team members almost didnt all get to come. but we all got in at the end and then some. our team consisted of many athletic girls from cross country, soccer, field hockey, basketball, even...a cheerleader! and by the end of all of our games we had become a very close knit group of screaming girls jumping in the mud and leaves and crushing one another after our final victory. yes it was quite wet and windy and muddy and amazing! we suffered our various injuries but we got one more bobblehead trophy to add to the collection in mr. k's office.
we didnt get any pictures this year, which is a huge bummer. but we're hoping to have the same team next year.
supposedly there's an extra prize in it for the girls team that knocks us off next year...
i can hardly wait. =]
this year our usual team members almost didnt all get to come. but we all got in at the end and then some. our team consisted of many athletic girls from cross country, soccer, field hockey, basketball, even...a cheerleader! and by the end of all of our games we had become a very close knit group of screaming girls jumping in the mud and leaves and crushing one another after our final victory. yes it was quite wet and windy and muddy and amazing! we suffered our various injuries but we got one more bobblehead trophy to add to the collection in mr. k's office.
we didnt get any pictures this year, which is a huge bummer. but we're hoping to have the same team next year.
supposedly there's an extra prize in it for the girls team that knocks us off next year...
i can hardly wait. =]
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
so it's been awhile since i've done this. i have my reasons, but i think that i should put them behind me now. and since some of my siblings are reviving their blogs or starting a new one i guess i should at least make an effort. not gonna make any promises tho. you all know how busy the life of the average sophomore can be. and i am anything but average. =]
i'll leave you with an inspiring quote. first, some background:
in social studies, we were studying the rather famous quote by Rene Descartes - "I think, therefore I am." - well today, i used that quote as the base for this profound statement:
"i think...therefore i'm dangerous."
i'll leave you with an inspiring quote. first, some background:
in social studies, we were studying the rather famous quote by Rene Descartes - "I think, therefore I am." - well today, i used that quote as the base for this profound statement:
"i think...therefore i'm dangerous."
Thursday, August 21, 2008
(another short story from the vaults)
Their laughter filled the air around them.
He picked her up, twirling around and around, her gasping for breath while pleading with him to put her down.
Slowly, he complied. But he still held her close, laughing in a joy he had never felt so strongly before. Her hands and head rested on his chest while she regained her balance. She tipped her head backwards and laughed.
"You're the best 'big brother'!"
She grinned, as if this statement should make him the happiest man alive. He tried to hold back his disappointment. He wanted to be more, so much more in her life. But how could he get past the fact that she saw him as a brother.
Yes, he wanted to protect her, shield her. But he wanted to love her, her to love him, forever and ever. Always.
Instead, he smiled into her eyes. He thought he caught a glimmer of confusion flash across her face. It was there, then gone, just like that. He couldn't be sure. But he could hope.
His right hand, almost by its own accord, slowly rose to brush away the strand of hair that forever seemed to escape her ponytail. His hand lingered there, causing her to turn her face upwards again to stare at him in wonder, as if something had just been revealed to her.
She started to step back, but he still had an arm around her, holding her close.
He'd resisted the urge for so long. Everytime she smiled at his teasing or giggled while she made fun of him. Suddenly, he could fight it no longer. He bent quickly and kissed her.
He pulled back, terrified that he had taken it too far. The look in her eyes told him just as much. He released her and turned so quickly, it seemed like one motion. He half turned, hoping against hope that she would call his name, change her mind. He finally resigned himself to the loss, leaving a big part of his heart with her forever.
She stood with a half smile on her face, watching his retreating back. Suddenly, she realized he thought the worst, that he would leave her life to save them both the pain of dealing with the issue. But she realized that if he walked out of her life now, she would never be the same. She knew now that she did love him, and not as a brother, as she had thought before.
She called his name, once, twice. He did not hear, or chose not to hear her. She turned and started running in the opposite direction, the smile on her face growing as she imagined his surprise.
He turned the corner of the building, heading towards his car. He chanced a glace back. She was gone. He had heard his name at least twice. But he had not turned, afraid that he was just wishing to hear it and would turn to find her gone. Or worse, standing there staring, still horrified at his brash action. Tears filled his eyes as he turned once more, fumbling for his keys in his pocket. Where had he put them?
He realized he must have left them inside. He groaned, knowing she would be there, that her shift wasn't over yet, that he must face her sooner than he ever would have imagined. He didn't know how he possibly could.
He looked up at his car, deciding to look for the keys there first, buying himself some time. He stopped short, staring. She stood ten feet in front of him, holding his keys in her hand. Slowly they both stepped forward, until they were staring directly into each other's eyes.
"I love you."
The simple statement was so quiet, he at first imagined she hadn't said it. But he slowly took her in his arms, feeling her in turn wrap her arms around his neck.
Once again, their laughter filled the air.
He picked her up, twirling around and around, her gasping for breath while pleading with him to put her down.
Slowly, he complied. But he still held her close, laughing in a joy he had never felt so strongly before. Her hands and head rested on his chest while she regained her balance. She tipped her head backwards and laughed.
"You're the best 'big brother'!"
She grinned, as if this statement should make him the happiest man alive. He tried to hold back his disappointment. He wanted to be more, so much more in her life. But how could he get past the fact that she saw him as a brother.
Yes, he wanted to protect her, shield her. But he wanted to love her, her to love him, forever and ever. Always.
Instead, he smiled into her eyes. He thought he caught a glimmer of confusion flash across her face. It was there, then gone, just like that. He couldn't be sure. But he could hope.
His right hand, almost by its own accord, slowly rose to brush away the strand of hair that forever seemed to escape her ponytail. His hand lingered there, causing her to turn her face upwards again to stare at him in wonder, as if something had just been revealed to her.
She started to step back, but he still had an arm around her, holding her close.
He'd resisted the urge for so long. Everytime she smiled at his teasing or giggled while she made fun of him. Suddenly, he could fight it no longer. He bent quickly and kissed her.
He pulled back, terrified that he had taken it too far. The look in her eyes told him just as much. He released her and turned so quickly, it seemed like one motion. He half turned, hoping against hope that she would call his name, change her mind. He finally resigned himself to the loss, leaving a big part of his heart with her forever.
She stood with a half smile on her face, watching his retreating back. Suddenly, she realized he thought the worst, that he would leave her life to save them both the pain of dealing with the issue. But she realized that if he walked out of her life now, she would never be the same. She knew now that she did love him, and not as a brother, as she had thought before.
She called his name, once, twice. He did not hear, or chose not to hear her. She turned and started running in the opposite direction, the smile on her face growing as she imagined his surprise.
He turned the corner of the building, heading towards his car. He chanced a glace back. She was gone. He had heard his name at least twice. But he had not turned, afraid that he was just wishing to hear it and would turn to find her gone. Or worse, standing there staring, still horrified at his brash action. Tears filled his eyes as he turned once more, fumbling for his keys in his pocket. Where had he put them?
He realized he must have left them inside. He groaned, knowing she would be there, that her shift wasn't over yet, that he must face her sooner than he ever would have imagined. He didn't know how he possibly could.
He looked up at his car, deciding to look for the keys there first, buying himself some time. He stopped short, staring. She stood ten feet in front of him, holding his keys in her hand. Slowly they both stepped forward, until they were staring directly into each other's eyes.
"I love you."
The simple statement was so quiet, he at first imagined she hadn't said it. But he slowly took her in his arms, feeling her in turn wrap her arms around his neck.
Once again, their laughter filled the air.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Harvey Cedars Bible Conference
so last monday, 20 some teens from my youth group, plus a few leaders to keep us in line, headed off to long beach island, new jersey for a retreat that my youth group has done for years. it was my first time going and i wasnt quite sure what to expect. i actually realized by tuesday afternoon that i wasnt really having a very good week, one reason will be explained later, and the other was because i was expecting too much. not too much in the sense that my expections were not being met. but in the fact that the stories i had heard from others were not matching up with the experience i was having. i then decided that i was going to start over, clear my mind of the opinions that were unknowingly forced on me about Harvey Cedars, and live in the moment and just listen to what God was saying for me, Joanna Manthey, to hear in July 2008. and my week changed gears then for the better in so many ways.
so five minutes away from HCBC itself, one of the cars in our caravan was rear-ended, bumped into the red van ((which contained most of the girls, including me)) and back into the van that hit it in the first place. we were stopped at a red light and pretty much sat there for a while in shock trying to figure out what happened. eventually we pulled into a parking lot and everyone was fine. the guy said his brakes failed. but we found out later that they actually hadnt. so it happened that we all arrived at least a half hour late to the camp, with five of our co-youth groupers in a police car. how bout those first impressions! =]
the whole week was just filled with amazing moments with some of my favorite people in the world in a beautiful setting. to tell you of all the little moments that made me smile or think or just made me happy in general would take forever. God showed me many things this past week and through the love and support of others, and through loving and supporting others, i have seen God's love. one big thing that i would like to share: in a previous blog i talked about my struggles with trusting God's will and ultimate plan in my life and in the lives of those i love. i came to the stark reality that i may lose the strongest man in my life. i had a dream a couple weeks ago that i was getting married. well about to. i was standing at the end of the aisle, waiting. for what i wasnt sure. but eventually, i heard the wedding march. i started walking, slowly, gracefully. but i had this nagging feeling that something was missing. i stopped suddenly when i realized that i was walking alone. i was not hanging on to my daddy's arm. i was completely and utterly alone. sure there were people around me, but this wasnt the way it was supposed to be. i woke up from that dream with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. i had to check and see that my daddy was alright.
while at Harvey Cedars, i felt so much more in God's presence at times. and He was pulling me close to Him. but there was something in between that always pushed me back. i realized that me holding on to my daddy was pushing me away from God, telling Him "i love you so much God and i want you in control of my life. just not my daddy." and soon i realized i was taking more and more back. "just one more thing that i cant trust you with God." and its rediculous that i thought that i could take better care of things than the God of the universe.
our speaker was so real and down to earth and not trying to impress. he was actually an assistant principal at a middle school. he wasnt paid to talk down to us. he truely had a desire to be there. one night, i believe thursday or friday, he was talking about something. and some random sentence caught my attention and to be honest i did not hear anything else he said that night. it had nothing to do with it, but for some reason God took one little sentence that i cant even remember now, and turned my head. He showed me just how much not trusting Him with my daddy's life was having an affect on my relationship with Him, others, and my life in general. at that moment i turned completely control over to God. it was so simple. and i felt like i've done it a million times. but for some reason it felt different. on thing the speaker said all week was if you make a commitment, good for you. but satan is going to come in right away and try to work his way between the cracks and break you. right way a thought popped into my mind.
what if i find out later that at the exact moment i was finally trusting God completely, He takes my daddy. where does that leave me? im trusting Him, does he have to test me?
but quickly i forced myself to think of God's promises of eternal life and the fact that i will see my daddy again. and God will put no trial in our lives that we can not handle. the peace that washed over me was like no other thing i have ever experienced. i dont think i told anyone right then. i dont think i have told anyone. im still pretty much in awe of the experience itself and im selfishly holding on to that feeling. but i feel that i used the overflow of God's grace, mercy, love and peace and helped a friend in need. God lessened my pain by putting those in my path to care for. and even tho i came close to losing my patience a few times, He used that to make me forget to feel pity for little ol' me. and my patience has been strengthened on so many levels.
well this really didnt turn out the way i thought it would: an overview of the week. def. a lot more and hopefully it makes sense.
our God is most assuredly an awesome God.
so five minutes away from HCBC itself, one of the cars in our caravan was rear-ended, bumped into the red van ((which contained most of the girls, including me)) and back into the van that hit it in the first place. we were stopped at a red light and pretty much sat there for a while in shock trying to figure out what happened. eventually we pulled into a parking lot and everyone was fine. the guy said his brakes failed. but we found out later that they actually hadnt. so it happened that we all arrived at least a half hour late to the camp, with five of our co-youth groupers in a police car. how bout those first impressions! =]
the whole week was just filled with amazing moments with some of my favorite people in the world in a beautiful setting. to tell you of all the little moments that made me smile or think or just made me happy in general would take forever. God showed me many things this past week and through the love and support of others, and through loving and supporting others, i have seen God's love. one big thing that i would like to share: in a previous blog i talked about my struggles with trusting God's will and ultimate plan in my life and in the lives of those i love. i came to the stark reality that i may lose the strongest man in my life. i had a dream a couple weeks ago that i was getting married. well about to. i was standing at the end of the aisle, waiting. for what i wasnt sure. but eventually, i heard the wedding march. i started walking, slowly, gracefully. but i had this nagging feeling that something was missing. i stopped suddenly when i realized that i was walking alone. i was not hanging on to my daddy's arm. i was completely and utterly alone. sure there were people around me, but this wasnt the way it was supposed to be. i woke up from that dream with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. i had to check and see that my daddy was alright.
while at Harvey Cedars, i felt so much more in God's presence at times. and He was pulling me close to Him. but there was something in between that always pushed me back. i realized that me holding on to my daddy was pushing me away from God, telling Him "i love you so much God and i want you in control of my life. just not my daddy." and soon i realized i was taking more and more back. "just one more thing that i cant trust you with God." and its rediculous that i thought that i could take better care of things than the God of the universe.
our speaker was so real and down to earth and not trying to impress. he was actually an assistant principal at a middle school. he wasnt paid to talk down to us. he truely had a desire to be there. one night, i believe thursday or friday, he was talking about something. and some random sentence caught my attention and to be honest i did not hear anything else he said that night. it had nothing to do with it, but for some reason God took one little sentence that i cant even remember now, and turned my head. He showed me just how much not trusting Him with my daddy's life was having an affect on my relationship with Him, others, and my life in general. at that moment i turned completely control over to God. it was so simple. and i felt like i've done it a million times. but for some reason it felt different. on thing the speaker said all week was if you make a commitment, good for you. but satan is going to come in right away and try to work his way between the cracks and break you. right way a thought popped into my mind.
what if i find out later that at the exact moment i was finally trusting God completely, He takes my daddy. where does that leave me? im trusting Him, does he have to test me?
but quickly i forced myself to think of God's promises of eternal life and the fact that i will see my daddy again. and God will put no trial in our lives that we can not handle. the peace that washed over me was like no other thing i have ever experienced. i dont think i told anyone right then. i dont think i have told anyone. im still pretty much in awe of the experience itself and im selfishly holding on to that feeling. but i feel that i used the overflow of God's grace, mercy, love and peace and helped a friend in need. God lessened my pain by putting those in my path to care for. and even tho i came close to losing my patience a few times, He used that to make me forget to feel pity for little ol' me. and my patience has been strengthened on so many levels.
well this really didnt turn out the way i thought it would: an overview of the week. def. a lot more and hopefully it makes sense.
our God is most assuredly an awesome God.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
a window into my mind...
im sure i've said before on this blog that im the type of person who holds back emotion.
not that im totally void of any feelings. i love to laugh and smile and be joyful in the things that God has blessed me with. but in things that try my faith and test my patience, such as cancer, i find that i tend to look inward for strength. in so many ways im denying God the right to work in my life, altho He is. i just have a hard time accepting it. for a while i felt that deep down inside, subconsiously of course because it is quite impossible, i joanna manthey could do something to get rid of the cancer in my own daddy and my best friend's dad, who has become like a second father to me in many ways. then after some time i realized how ridiculous this really was. so then i moved on to questioning God's motives. i've had dreams where i am literally beating on God's chest in frustration, begging him to take away the cancer, that its not fair, why me, why me, poor little old me. i've been having some major trust issues. which is awful to know and very hard to resist. i find myself unknowingly trying to find ways around going to God with my anger and grief. i know that He has His reasons in all things and that He will never give us any trial that we cant handle and that He will be by our side, holding us if need be, through to the end. and i just havent been able to fully grasp that fact. so i tend to hide how deeply and truely upset i really am most of the time. and just recently, it took a scare ((which turned out to be nothing as bad as i was imagining. i was quite misinformed)) and a rather nice young man that i know pretty well to bring me back to the place where i should be, fully trusting, at least trying with all my heart to fully trust in my Lord and Savior and feeling safe in the fact that He IS watching over me, no matter what im going through.
not that im totally void of any feelings. i love to laugh and smile and be joyful in the things that God has blessed me with. but in things that try my faith and test my patience, such as cancer, i find that i tend to look inward for strength. in so many ways im denying God the right to work in my life, altho He is. i just have a hard time accepting it. for a while i felt that deep down inside, subconsiously of course because it is quite impossible, i joanna manthey could do something to get rid of the cancer in my own daddy and my best friend's dad, who has become like a second father to me in many ways. then after some time i realized how ridiculous this really was. so then i moved on to questioning God's motives. i've had dreams where i am literally beating on God's chest in frustration, begging him to take away the cancer, that its not fair, why me, why me, poor little old me. i've been having some major trust issues. which is awful to know and very hard to resist. i find myself unknowingly trying to find ways around going to God with my anger and grief. i know that He has His reasons in all things and that He will never give us any trial that we cant handle and that He will be by our side, holding us if need be, through to the end. and i just havent been able to fully grasp that fact. so i tend to hide how deeply and truely upset i really am most of the time. and just recently, it took a scare ((which turned out to be nothing as bad as i was imagining. i was quite misinformed)) and a rather nice young man that i know pretty well to bring me back to the place where i should be, fully trusting, at least trying with all my heart to fully trust in my Lord and Savior and feeling safe in the fact that He IS watching over me, no matter what im going through.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Reflection
~ we had to reflect on our junior high years for english. we had a period to work. heres what he got. he really liked it tho. yay last paper of my ninth grade year!!! *tears* ~
Junior high. A transition between the itty-bitty elementary years and the big-bad high school. A time of new friends, new changes, new lessons.
The biggest event in my junior high years that directly affected how I act and feel in school happened just before Christmas break of my ninth grade year. My best friend for three years, (let’s call her Eileen), decided that I wasn’t good enough. I’d been going through a lot at home, trying to cope with the face that my dad’s cancer wasn’t getting any better and other family issues. I always tried to put a brave face on it, not let it affect my school work too much, only talk about it when absolutely necessary.
I’m one of those people who just hold back their emotion until they pop. A very good friend of mine once compared this “disorder” to a bottle of soda being shaken, then the cap being loosened. I’m sure you can imagine or might even have experienced the results of such actions. That’s how it feels to hold back, hold back; until the stupidest, slightest thing can set you off. And things happen and are said that you can't even imagine.
So with all these pressures behind me, I started to feel lousy. And I just didn’t realize at the time that other people were noticing the change. To quote my ex-“best” friend Eileen: “you’re just not happy enough anymore Jo. You act like the world is ending.”
Silence.
Crickets.
I’m sorry, but a best friend should be there for comfort. I understand that she might not have realized the situation was as bad as it was. But when I tried to explain how it felt to watch the strongest man in my life and world, slowly fading, fearing that I would lose him at any moment and how I felt I had a right to be upset, I got terrible reactions. I was accused of being a drama queen. I was told that I was using the fact that my dad had cancer to get attention.
These comments made a part of my heart die. To hear them from people I had once loved, admired, trusted, tore me apart, inside and out. And I was suddenly forced to see things that I had been ignoring for far too long, making me look and feel like a fool.
Junior high is definitely a place and time of changes. And we can try to fight them, but in the end, we just have to move on, praying that God will show us the reasons why He puts so much pain in our way.
She was changing. She wanted to be cool. She wanted to be hip. She wanted to be “in”. And I was clearly holding her back, for the simple reason that I was not changing at the same rate or in the same direction as her.
I cried so much for those lost days. Days of innocence and friendship that seemed like it would go on forever. But that day she turned her back on all that, for someone newer, better, the improved model. I was the best friend that lost the glitter, the shine.
After a while, I stopped fighting it. I tried to move on. At the time, I felt like I wasn’t going to make it. I held onto the small hope that she would changer her mind; realize what she had turned down. But as I slowly moved on, mending my broken heart, I realized I didn’t want or need her back. I realized that my best friends were the ones who stepped up when there seemed to be no one. They lifted me up and I learned the true meaning of friendship. And my future is a whole lot brighter!
So, moral of the story: changes happen every day. Eileen walked away from our friendship. That was her choice. It’s in the past and I can't changer her decision. And now, I believe I can finally say that I am thankful, in not glad, that she did.
That event in my life changed me. Possibly forever. But things happen, we move on, we change as we need and see fit. And we have to learn to take those times to heart and try our hardest to get the most out of it, bad or good.
The longest, hardest, most emotional lesson I had to learn in junior high. But I’m here, I’m alive, and I’m a better person for it.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
random on the spot poem
my worries are knocking on the door
my pains, my fears
threatening my peace of mind
i turn left
i turn right
theres no where to hide
im used to facing these
on my own
but today its different
i can feel it in the air
today its different
cuz i know ur there
you take my hand
and you hold me close
and suddenly
my world is straight.
my pains, my fears
threatening my peace of mind
i turn left
i turn right
theres no where to hide
im used to facing these
on my own
but today its different
i can feel it in the air
today its different
cuz i know ur there
you take my hand
and you hold me close
and suddenly
my world is straight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)